On the day when it will be possible for woman to love not in her weakness but in strength, not to escape herself but to find herself, not to abase herself but to assert herself – on that day love will become for her, as for man, a source of life and not of mortal danger. In the meantime, love represents in its most touching form the curse that lies heavily upon woman confined in the feminine universe, woman mutilated, insufficient unto herself.” — Simone de Beauvoir
I have been thinking a lot about marriage over the last little while. I’m now 28 (2 years to thirty) and my FB feed is full of engagements, pregnancies and the purchasing of puppies. I have discovered that although I am very attracted to the idea of marriage, and don’t really fear coming home to my life day after day the way I have crafted it, I do somewhat fear marriage. It’s hard to describe without feeling like I am somehow condemning my partner or my choices. It’s hardly a matter of anyone else, mostly about how I would feel in my own skin if I was to marry.
I know the Simone de Beauvoir was born and active as a feminist beginning many many years ago, and to borrow from her in this context may or may not be relevant in terms of rights and roles within a marraige, but it seems to highlight my base fears. I fear the dependency I can’t help but perceive in marriage, I fear the finality, I fear the constraints of a marriage, although I know that this isn’t necessarily what comes from marriage. Why would our relationship change into something constraining… I’m not sure where these ideas come from, but I am so incredibly caught up in being my own person I really find it challenging to align myself to anyone at all. And the strange thing is that I don’t plan on going anywhere or changing anything about my life. I am grateful for all my blessings: I guess I might just be scared of change…. and women don’t always talk about that. We’re supposed to be gracefully keen, have planned our weddings since we were babies, and I’ve just never been like that. I don’t feel comfortable declaring this out loud, but I think it’s important to say. It frightens me to make myself vulnerable to one person so openly. One might say I don’t trust in this enough… that is possible.
I remember a good while ago first discussing the idea of marriage with my father, and even then I remember seeing marriage as like an ending, an ending of youth and the closure of a chapter of life. He said to me, no no, you’ve got it all wrong, marriage isn’t an ending but a beginning….
3yearstothirty 