On the day of Simone de Beauvoir’s Birthday…

On the day when it will be possible for woman to love not in her weakness but in strength, not to escape herself but to find herself, not to abase herself but to assert herself – on that day love will become for her, as for man, a source of life and not of mortal danger. In the meantime, love represents in its most touching form the curse that lies heavily upon woman confined in the feminine universe, woman mutilated, insufficient unto herself.” — Simone de Beauvoir

I have been thinking a lot about marriage over the last little while. I’m now 28 (2 years to thirty) and my FB feed is full of engagements, pregnancies and the purchasing of puppies. I have discovered that although I am very attracted to the idea of marriage, and don’t really fear coming home to my life day after day the way I have crafted it, I do somewhat fear marriage. It’s hard to describe without feeling like I am somehow condemning my partner or my choices. It’s hardly a matter of anyone else, mostly about how I would feel in my own skin if I was to marry.

I know the Simone de Beauvoir was born and active as a feminist beginning many many years ago, and to borrow from her in this context may or may not be relevant in terms of rights and roles within a marraige, but it seems to highlight my base fears. I fear the dependency I can’t help but  perceive in marriage, I fear the finality, I fear the constraints of a marriage, although I know that this isn’t necessarily what comes from marriage. Why would our relationship change into something constraining… I’m not sure where these ideas come from, but I am so incredibly caught up in being my own person I really find it challenging to align myself to anyone at all. And the strange thing is that I don’t plan on going anywhere or changing anything about my life. I am grateful for all my blessings: I guess I might just be scared of change…. and women don’t always talk about that. We’re supposed to be gracefully keen, have planned our weddings since we were babies, and I’ve just never been like that. I don’t feel comfortable declaring this out loud, but I think it’s important to say. It frightens me to make myself vulnerable to one person so openly. One might say I don’t trust in this enough… that is possible.

I remember a good while ago first discussing the idea of marriage with my father, and even then I remember seeing marriage as like an ending, an ending of youth and the closure of a chapter of life. He said to me, no no, you’ve got it all wrong, marriage isn’t an ending but a beginning….

Showing compassion in your 20s.

Ive been trying to think about how to set up this post, this idea. It’s not anything I have any final thoughts on, but it’s something that seems to come up in different conversations and in different matters.

Most recently, I was sharing a plate of greasy, unmemorable nachos with a dear old friend of mine, and we got on the subject of other old friends, as those conversations are wont to do. We were talking about who we were in touch with, and who had been in touch with us. It got me to thinking that this is a common experience for many people our age: it’s impossible to stay in touch with EVERYONE you befriended through high school and college, so drifts are perfectly natural and expected. It seems still though that there are some friendships that dissolve in a way that leaves one uneasy, even though the loss itself doesn’t feel that huge. It’s the manner in which, I suppose, that leaves you feeling kind of cold. Why is that? I am confident that all of us have been on both the receiving and giving ends of that discomfort. Why, then, does it sting?

I guess there are a few reasons I can think of, none of which I particularly like because I end up painting myself as a product of my generation, typical for my age, or just plain vain, (all of which I steadfastly deny, btw) but it needs to be said: I think it’s much easier to be a selfish person than a compassionate person and we need to check ourselves once in a while.
Whew! I said it. Is my ego still intact? …who am I kidding, of course it still is. I’m invincible and in my 20s. Anyhow, this is what I am thinking.

1. I have this terrible habit of making things all about me. It’s dissipating a bit, as I get older and I see how big the world is and how many perspectives there are, but for those closer to me, watch out! I can still absolutely blame you for not thinking of me first all the time! :)Jokes aside, I do think that comes with a bit of maturity I don’t always have at the ready. Sometimes things, friendships, romantic relationships, mentorships, whatever, don’t pan out exactly how you expected. But that doesn’t mean that any of that even has to do with the relationship itself. Sometimes things just get busy or in the way and it’s nothing personal. I think that is one example of compassion you would want to learn in your 20s: the compassionate heart that lets things come and go peacefully.
(side note: this Friend and I were speaking of our own friendship and how we had been in and out of touch, although if you right away thought “I wonder if she’s talking about me?” you have entirely proved my point, which is delightful)

2. This friend and I were also talking about the complete opposite: when friends are very complimentary or things are going really well, and you feel like it’s possible you’re getting a swelled head. No one wants to be that person that nobody likes that goes around building themselves monuments all the time, that person is Super annoying. However, as a person just starting their career, you don’t want to be too reticent or no one will remember that you totally deserved all the credit or whatever. What do you do to project a confidence in your capability but not come off like a prig?
I think that really comes down to a compassionate heart too, where you can express your gratitude at the recognition and your authentic humility, without discounting your total awesomeness for Making Things Happen. Isn’t someone who can accept a compliment just the coolest, most confident person around, and then credits the team or the process or something? I think that unless you are grateful for the opportunities thrown your way, it’s a lot more of a slippery slope to big headedness.

3. Another way to spin it is that it’s not related to age at all but to cohort. As milllenials, we have a me-me-me vibe that couldn’t possibly look at things from any other perspectives than our own, and our devotion to technology makes us even less compassionate for people falling out of touch, since we are all so intricately, inextricably connected.

So in all situations, a compassionate heart acknowledges that the world doesn’t revolve around only you, and that warmth for other people’s perspectives, lens and contributions account for a great deal of our own realities. I know for sure that’s something my grandma both understood and practiced (not preached!) so this would be one of those things to really have mastered by 30. I have a feeling this is a bigger project than 2 years though.

Making friends in your 20’s.

I have heard from many people that it is very difficult to make friends in your 20s. Why is that? We have a better sense of self, a better sense of the type of person we want around us and how we enjoy spending our time. However, I think it’s easy to become intimidated by others in our 20s since it’s the first time we have been left to fend for ourselves. We no longer have school or extracurricular activities in the same formal manner. Work takes us to various cities, people move for love affairs, and we get uprooted from those familiar families we cultivated back home.

I am here to tell you how to make friends in your 20s, because I have made 3 or 4 new friends in the last couple of months and am now an authority.

1. Get out there. The bar scene is ok, I guess, but you aren’t really going to connect with anyone there. Take a class, join a community centre intramural sports thing where people don’t take themselves too seriously to talk to others. Go with friends to events you don’t care about, you know there are going to be other people there that don’t like the art, or the food, or the crowd. Perfect bond.

2. Get a number. Just go ahead, if you think someone is cool, get a phone number. Even if you text instead of call, it’s you reaching out and making the connection. Don’t feel that texting someone to hang out is the same as texting them to date, which is way less cool. You don’t need the same balls to make friends that you do to date someone, so don’t get confused.

3. Similarly, another difference between dating and making friends is that usually, you’re on the same wavelength. Unlike romantic relationships, people seem to seek like-minded and affiliated friends, while romantic tastes can be all over the place. So again, the risk is lower that you wil be turned down. If the potential friend is also in their 20s, there’s a 85% chance they have also lost all their friends recently and are looking for a change.

4. Get used to small talk. No one likes starting a conversation. It’s weird and feels kind of stilted. Get over it. You are never going to talk about anything important if you don’t start by talking about something trivial. Anything works. Making fun of people around you usually works (do your homework on friends of friends first so this doesn’t backfire). If you’re a girl wanting to meet other girls, compliment them. Obviously. Only a total bitch won’t like being complimented and then you don’t want them as a friend anyhow.

5. Don’t rely on your significant other. This is very important, because as someone in a couple you end up totally limiting yourself from single-friend possibilities, which is totally lame, and also, you don’t want to have to bring that significant other with you all the time, really, do you?

6. Give it time. You’re not going to meet your new bestie right away, and nor would you become besties right away even if you did. A stage-5 clinger can be kind of cute, but at the same time you still want to be your assertive, dynamic, individual self, do you not? So let things progress naturally, or invite to group situations and public places to take the pressure off.

I hope this helps!

Found my dream gym!!

After much searching, I have found my gym. Snap Fitness has all the right criteria: close to home, affordable (50$/month), a friendly cancellation policy (30 days notice but no financial penalty) and challenging equipment. The wait time for machines is non-existent, though I am not sure whether that would be the same at all times of day, or for more popular locations?

But for me, it’s friendly service (you’re the best Kat!!) , 24 hour accessibility, and personal trainers that can help you assess your levels and challenge your routine once you plateau.

I’ve even implemented a little reverse-psychology: I am addicted to true crime documentaries on my IPhone, and so will now only allow myself to indulge if I am running intervals on the treadmill!!
Truthfully, the IPhone was becoming a problem that way. Wayyyy too much watching other people’s misfortunes in bed. Although it was comfy and made me happy, I knew it wasn’t healthy. So this way, I can channel it in a healthy way! Now if only we could figure out a way to smoke cigarettes on the treadmill and call that healthy too…hmm. Might be a bit trickier.

But all kidding aside, they have an 8 step basic weight training program, and you can work in that for as long as you like, increasing the reps and weight as you become stronger. I went twice over the weekend and plan to go again a couple more times this week: wish me luck!